I never knew a weekend away would teach me so much about myself and my life. It was my first (and TOTALLY not last) music festival. Here are a few things I've come to realize...

1. I don't live in the moment nearly as much as I should. It's hard right now anyhow, with as much responsibility as I have in school and with my groups, but during select weekends and as soon as I'm outta here (summer especially) I'm exploring that so much more.

2. I live entirely too fast. What I love about camping trips is that it forces you to slow down and find entertainment in the tiniest of things. Colors, bugs flying around, campfires, conversation, jewelry. This is when ADD comes in handy, but also made me realize I don't stop to enjoy these things as much as I used to. I can find joy in so many little things, but college has forced that part back so far, that I have to go to extremes to use it.

3. I have entirely too few hobbies. I know HOW to do a lot of things... I just don't do them. I can tye-dye (thanks mom), I can sew (minimally), I do photography (this one I do actually do), I can (and have multiple in progress) scrapbook, I write.... the list probably goes on. But I never do any of these things even when I have the time. I had all summer to work on this stuff, but I didn't. Granted I was a lazy pile and had house cleaning and a dog to take care of, but still. I did too much watching tv and internet BS... which leads me to number 4...

4. I spend too much time doing nothing just to pass the time. Rather than doing something constructive, I sit on facebook and mill around. I could be doing all the things listed in number 3, but I don't. Apparently, another summer project.

5. I do too little traveling. Now bare with me, because I know those of you who know me are sitting there going "um, not true!" This is true. I do plenty of traveling in the sense of going on large trips and going new places. But I don't do enough traveling for the sake of traveling. I need to do more road trips. I recently drove all the way to Colorado, by myself, for a family get together. I loved it. There are things I want to do and places I want to go that are all right in the midwest, and yet haven't done them. For example, the boundry waters, black hills... heck I live an hour and a half from the black hills and I've never been there.

6. I don't have to go somewhere with someone to have a good time. My roommate left on Saturday late afternoon/early evening. I was bummed that she wasn't there to hang out with, but I ended up having an awesome time anyway, because it gave me an excuse to hang out with someone new and spend time getting to know new people. Granted, I may have been overly clingy, not really sure... but when you only know a select few people and you meet a few new people who you really enjoy, generally a person will gravitate that direction often, right?

7. I spend entirely way too much time worrying about what I need to do. Rather than making what I want to do things I need to do, I am too preoccupied with dealing with what has to get done and why. "I have to do this paper for class or I'll fail; I have to go to this meeting or I look like a slacker; I have to help out with this because I'm in that group..." rather than, "I need to work on my scrapbooking because it takes up a lot of time; I need to learn how to garden so I can enjoy fresh veggies and make my own salsa; I need to get the information and set a date for [x] so I can do something I've wanted to do forever; I need to take my dog on more walks so we can both get more excersize and he can be more socialized" etc.

8. I care more about what I look like to other people than I originally thought. This isn't really a bad thing, I just always say "I don't care what other people think" when often, I'm monitoring my behavior. I don't wear my tye-dye shirt around campus because it's so loud, I wouldn't normally wear anklets that had bells on them. I came back to storm lake wearing one of my jingle anklets, and I had to self-talk myself into not caring. I knew it didnt matter, and I just looked different, and I'd get funny looks. Honestly, I didn't care because it was quirky me, but social learning says not to stand out, so I wanted to take them off. I had to talk myself into leaving them on, even though I loved them. It's something I should just keep an eye on, and do things out of the ordinary just to do them from now on, just so I can be a more full version of me.

9. I say I'm sorry too much. Mostly in new situations or situations in which I'm not practiced in and don't know what to do. This is an annoying habit to others which I really need to quit.

10. Music Festivals are my new favorite gathering of awesomeness.

Okay, so Patrick and I are talking again... we're good. Back to normal. And he's broken up with Sam again because she's... well she's stupid... and psycho. lol. Anyhow i just wanted everyone to know that we're cool and no worries and I'm happy as a clam again... well one that's not boiled in water that is.

:D

AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

my loves this.

http://xkcd.com/594/

... my house was like windows vista and had a search tool. I need it right about now to find some software im missing for things like, say, my printer and my webcam. Though, I think I found my webcam software... I believe i just misplaced it again.

I have no clue what that subject line has to do with this post. I just thought of Winnie the Pooh randomly.

So I'm not sure where my garden is going, as I'll be leaving shortly and I'm still waiting for most of my plants to bear their fruit (erm... veggies, but thats not the saying). I can have someone water them I guess but I dont completely trust someone else to do it for that long. I can come back on weekends to check it and pick anything fresh but again... I have to have someone watch it til then. *sigh* next year I'm getting an earlier start.

Anywho that was a random thought. The real updates begin.

Patrick broke up with the psycho girl. Which is good. He needs someone who doesnt want him to be someone he's not. Which brings me to... well me. He'd been talking to me the whole time anyway, and we do talk every day at least once, not to mention the constant texting. We seem to be really close and from what I can tell, we're moving in the direction of being together. The distance is really the issue right now, but he's coming to visit me after the first of the year. Probably in February. This will be the first time we actually meet, so I thought it would be cool if he came and saw the Vagina Monologues we do every year, which I'm going to probably participate in again this year, and it also coincides with valentines day, which would be kinda cool. I really really feel good about him. He treats me amazing, and I've never felt so respected and connected with someone and like someone likes me for everything that I am. I can tell him anything, even when I'm super nervous to talk about something, I do anyway, and he never thinks less of me for anything. And vice versa of course. I honestly havent been able to open up to anyone like I can him. I know that's not 100% smart considering I've never met him, but what do we know about people we do meet and open up to?
Anyway, I know I'm gushing but he really really makes me happy. And it's not way complicated because we and do talk about everything. We're both open books with eachother. I can't wait for him to come visit... *daydreams about walking by the lake and cuddling*

Anywhoodles... I just wanted to update on the direction of my budding relationship... um, other than that just being a lazy bum after my cousin's wedding, which was amazing. She was gorgeous and i bawled, of course haha. But I'm glad to be getting back to school soon. I'm all sorts of ready to hang out with my awesome roomie and see everyone and get back to the grind.

Off I go to be productive... hopefully...

Seriously my favorite love story of all time.

But, I don't think he's that cute when he turns back into a prince... couldn't he stay Beast... he was a prince in her eyes as it was... I would have been PISSED if he turned into a prince and got all huffy again. Like... um... I fell in love with you as the beast... i like your furry face, stupid witch, keep it that way!

Sorry, I'm not sure I actually mean that. I just find it fun to think that way sometimes.

I hope my Beast comes.

As the subject says, I have very little to report. I'm in Cali at moms until next wednesday... yesterday I got a much needed manicure, today got a MUCH needed haircut and facial. Yay sexy hair and de-blackheaded face. I think i just made up a new word there.

In other news, efforts to get into a workout routine is proving more difficult than anticipated... first step would be to get into a general life routine, which is, again, proving more difficult than anticipated. With traveling and all the drama that has been going on (drama is another, very long, story), it's difficult to get myself to do anything productive with my life, even just having a routine. Gah. Oh well, so it goes, when I get back from cali, I'll have more time to work on it... I just have to consciously do it. It would also help if I start taking my meds again, but I have to get up early enough to take them... so begins the vicious circle.

Erm... other than that I can't think of much. When I get back I'm headed to Des Moines to visit Jewels and Shelley for a weekend, possible Storm Lake trip in there sometime. I'm going to try to keep to myself and be pretty invisible in town from now on, to try to get a schedule going. I mean, I'll still do the basic stuff... lunch occasionally, get the mail, grocery store, etc... but as for spending weekend evenings, i probably wont unless someone specifically asks me to come. *shrug* just easier and less disrupting to my schedule that way. Man, I feel old saying and doing that sort of thing. *sigh*

My wings are black as coal
And my heart as warm as ice
With heat like the sun
My skin does crawl
And my smile will mesmerize

I’m not quite fit for Heaven
But in Hell I don’t belong
So I guess I have to win affection
From Satan in a song.

My eyes shine like Topaz
And my hair fixes your gaze
My neck beckons you
With velvet skin
And my touch will mesmerize

I’m not quite fit for Heaven
But in Hell I don’t belong
So I guess I have to win affection
From Satan in a song.

They say Heaven is paradise
But if my utopia resembles Hell
Then where am I to go?
Naked I roam to find the home
Which will take my changing tides
I’m nowhere near an angel
But not quite downright evil
So where does this misfit hide?

Sometimes I regret the things I say.
Sometimes even the right thing
Doesn’t feel right a few weeks after.
Sometimes what I want and what I need
Don’t coincide.
Sometimes what is right for someone else,
What is fair for them,
Sucks on my end.

I didn’t want to let you go.
I didn’t want to let her have you.
Call me selfish, or mean.
But it wasn’t fair to keep you to myself,
So I let her steal you
Because you need someone who understands
You need someone who is there for you.
Not just some words on a screen
Or a face on a camera.

I hope whatever happens,
Something works out.
And I hope I don’t get lost in the shuffle
Like I tend to
When I give someone the right thing
For what they need.
Because it’s usually not me.

Disclaimer: This is not just about Gay Rights... its about RIGHTS. Period.

I must ask... Why is it, that someone who is not married to a member of the opposite sex, can not adopt children? Or, in the case of the Australian couple, become foster parents?

"Because it is not fair to the child to deny them of a normal family life, knowing both a mother and a father." or something along those lines.

EXCUSE ME???????

How many kids, biological at that, grow up in a single family household? Or a divorce with one parent remarried, or any other combination where the words "normal family" (I.E. a mom a dad, 2.5 kids, and a dog) don't apply? PLENTY. More than half, I can almost guarantee it.
Every child has a different family life. Every one of those families is "normal" for that family.

Why would an adoption agency, PEOPLE in that agency, PEOPLE who must be somewhat educated... deny a child -who is in the care of the state at the present time, not exactly the best life a child could have- a home that would nurture them, with people who would love them, just because that person is not married, or in a same sex relationship? It doesn't make any sense! Why would that agency, and the government, tell me that I can't adopt a child because I'm single?
So, I'm 41, I'm not married or have a boyfriend or anything, and I decide I want to adopt because one of the things I want in life is to have kids, and I'd like to take a child out of the state's care and give them a real home, if only because I'm just awesome like that. Well guess what answer I get? Sorry, you may have a better home, financial situation, extended family life, and more parenting skills than Jane and John Doe over here waiting in line behind you, but YOU can't adopt because you're not married, but they can, even though they may not be as nurturing as you. I guess only one child gets lucky today instead of two. See ya!

How ridiculous is that? I have friends who have been adopted, know people in my hometown whose family adopted them, and I know people who have adopted... None of them grew up perfectly happy with 1.5 siblings and a dog. It's not possible. There's always something; no family is the Brady Bunch. Everyone has their stuff. BUT the people I know grew up just fine, even in a family that wasn't exactly the states definition of "normal". In fact, my mom's boss adopted a little girl and she is happier than ever, even though the husband doesn't live there, and they don't really get along. Catherine is one of the most loved little girls, and she's growing up happy and well.

Who says a single person, or a loving homosexual couple, give a child the same things? How many single mothers are there in the US, who work hard to give their child everything, and those children turn out just fine (as long as their mother wasn't a prostitute, that theme seems to give in to serial killers, but that's an aside). How many children grow up in the care of the state, released when they're 18 into the world, and are not very well adjusted adults, or have been juvenile delinquents most of their lives? If those kids had gotten adopted, who says they couldn't have turned out differently?

I'm not saying there aren't exceptions, there always are, but in general, what can it hurt to give these children to a parent, or parents, who are not the "norm?" God and Goddess forbid there are loving people who would be good parents who aren't married. That just can't happen. Nope, Never.

well... i'm already home, but that's besides the point.
I'm at HOME finally after finals... got straight B's... and am looking forward to relaxing with my dog, cleaning the house, gardening, and LOTS of movies this summer. Horaay for living alone!
I'm also hoping to cook quite a bit, along with baking, so if anyone wants a good meal and awesome dessert, do come visit. :)
umm yea I guess that's it. I just wanted to update on that a bit for anyone reading.

any advice on what to plant in my garden? so far I have planned one tomato plant, a couple of jalapano plants, maybe some squash??? if it's not too late... and maybe some other hot peppers of some variety. other than that... i'm not sure.

Ps. I don't know what quixotic means... but i like the icon. lol

Okay, so I feel like I've been sounding like a rediculously hormonal 12 year old in my LJ lately... I'm going to attempt to stop this. Anyway, I havent updated on the good stuff yet!

I've been talking to this guy Patrick that I met on one of my random social networking sites. He's from Auburn, NY, and pretty much rocks my socks off. We both really like eachother, but are neither in a place for anything super serious, which is fine. He's really sweet, and he wants me to come visit him this summer. I'm aware of all the horror stories of the meeting someone online variety, but at least I know he's not a creepy 55 year old man pretending to be someone much younger and more attractive. Ha. I know this because we've both got webcams and we turn them on every chance we get. This is doing nothing to help with my studying, but then, there you go. As Savannah's dad says, "excrement occurs."
Anywho, I'm not sure how I'm going to make this work, but if I do go see him this summer, it should be lots of fun. Auburn looks like a really cool town. It's historic with lots of stuff to do, including museums! :-0 woot!
Um, so yea, I should be studying for my crim test tomorrow night, but I really have no ambition at all to do anything but lay on my bed and relax. I'm so sleepy. The waxing and subsequent full moon was messing with my sleep patterns the last week. Arg.

On a completely unrelated note, an amazingly addicting video! :D

http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Narwhals/

Savannah and I have it memorized and can sing it word for word quite quickly. Cuz we're awesome like that.

So apparently my efforts have not paid off. for all who know any of the story... *he* is being a duchemonkey. again. who knows when we'll talk again. he's pissed at the world with no intention of giving a shit. i dont know how to deal other than ignore it until it goes back to normal. I just wish he had stayed like he had been... happy to be alive for once... loving life... being proud of himself... WANTING to talk to me about his problems because he felt better when i listened.
Yes, this is an emo post, and i really don't care at the moment. What else is there to be except emo?
I've been hanging out with my ex boyfriend/really good friend Jonathon last night and today. it's been fun... but i'm kinda wanting to get back now that i have nothing to look forward to here at home. though I have a lot to do this weekend, so being here might be a good thing. Jonathon and I are going to norfolk tomorrow to head to skinny's to get some supplies... gotta transfer money so I can actually buy something. broke til next friday but oh well.... i'll just pay myself back.
oh well. i guess in the mean time i can have some fun and say fuck it... no point in making him special when he won't give a damn for a month, or two, or a year... however long it takes him to quit being pissed at the world this time.

It is sometimes said that dreams are our bodies and minds desires. Or maybe it's not. Maybe I just said that. I don't know. Anyhow, it is also said that dreams are random neural firing. Just things that have happened to you during the day that are being reserficed. What if something hasnt happened to you during the day? Where do sex dreams come from? Sure, maybe you had the thought "I'm really horny today." But then where does the sex dream with a certain person come from?

And what about dreams that cause you deja vu at a later date. I've had a ton of these, and while some may say, "you have psycic ability, you should excersize it," that doesn't answer the question, where do they come from?

I'm really not looking for answers to these questions. I just started thinking about it because i had a random sex dream last night. A random sex dream that had nothing to do with my thoughts from the day, nor the people in it were in my head at all that day. This leads me to believe that, at least last night, my dreams were desires I had that I hadn't addressed lately.

I don't know if this had a point, or if I made a point without realizing it... but there you go.

I've left this idle for much too long. I'm going to bookmark it on my shortcuts with facebook and myspace, so i stop forgetting.

not much going on in my life... spring break, yay! I'm hanging out in the lovely Moscow, Idaho, hanging out with Jewels and her boy Dillon, and the doggie, Wicket/Widget/Wiget, whatever his real name is.

Enjoying movies i havent seen, sitting on my butt, and relaxing... oh the life of spring break. Fun times playing games and watching movies.

Other than that, i'm just slightly missing things from school like my awesome roomie, drinking at my convenience, and my little routine. Though i've got a bit of a routine here going now, but its always nice to get home eventually.

Nels is doing okay. His grandma died the other day, so he's having a hard time with that, but otherwise its the same ol with him. He wants to go to yankton or somewhere and do something next time I go over there, which sounds fun. I'm excited. I'm hoping he'll be home this weekend and i can go over there when i get back... He's going to the funeral, so I think he will be home, but I can't say for sure.

Anywho, not to much else going on... i'll try to update more often... adios amigos!

I've just updated a bunch of stuff i've written that i've failed to post here. sooo enjoy!

I tried to be right.
Apparently I’m still wrong,
Aren’t I?
You’ll do anything to prove me wrong.
Even if it means killing me slowly
From the inside out.
Because you don’t realize,
You’re doing to me
What they did to you.
I realize it,
And I try not to let it get me,
But I’m becoming what you are.
A little each time you burn me.
But it’s not a burning.
It’s just
One
Bite
At
A
Time.

I’m sorry that I’m not perfect. I know you deserve someone who is – and don’t argue with me. You deserve someone gorgeous and talented, someone who wouldn’t look like a troll next to you.
I’m sorry I’ve pushed you and annoyed you enough to push me away instead of pulling me close.
I’m sorry I can never say what I’m feeling and that I suck at fighting. But you don’t fight fair either. You twist yourself so negatively that there aren’t words to deny you – even though none of what you say is true enough to make any difference – at least to me. I’m sorry I can’t be there. If I could make you my priority, I would, but I need to do the college thing. I’m not skilled like you. I can’t find something that would pay me enough to live the way you do without a degree.
I’m sorry I suck at being sexy. You’re the only one I feel that way with. You’re the only one who could compel me to buy lingerie – and you’d be the only one to see me wear it.
I’m sorry I’ve hurt you. I don’t know exactly what I’ve done, but I know I’ve hurt you, and that kills me.
I’m not going to stick around and be selfish. I’m not going to demand that we move forward. I want you to be happy. If you’re miserable with me, what is the point of forcing my presence? I don’t want to wear you down until you finally give in. I’m not coral. I wouldn’t do that to you. If you being happy means that I’m not involved, so be it. If it means you with someone else – someone who truly makes you happy and deserves you – then it is what it is. I’m not going to make you miserable for my sake.
But don’t for a second think I wouldn’t do anything for you.
Don’t for a second think I want to walk away.
I’m fighting to shush every scream that comes from my gut and my heart not to let you go. I’m pushing down and hitting away every instinct I have to keep you near me – tooth and nail.
It’s the worst at night… in the silent humming of darkness where my thoughts float across my eyes and keep sleep at bay. Where those thoughts always revolve around the words stupid, love, sex, pain…and Nels.
So don’t think for a second my whole being wants this… it screams and fights against it. I’ve caved in a few times, and I’m sorry for that too. I’m sorry I can’t stick to my resolve with you. I’m sorry because I know you’re sitting there, wondering why I’m apologizing.
I’m sorry you think so highly of me and I’ve never had the guts to show you otherwise.
I’m sorry I’ve never let you see me cry… but then again, I’m not. You’d beat yourself up if I did, and it’s usually less to do with something specific you did, and more to do with how I react to it and my own demons. I’m sorry you don’t know many of them – actually, I’m sorry I never told you about any of them.
I’m sorry I’m doing this. But I can’t be where we’ve been for three years anymore.
I’m not necessarily moving on… I just can’t grow roots in this situation and not be able to move if I someday need or want to.
I’m sorry if you think this is the end. I’m not leaving… I’m just leaving it up to you if you want to move or not. I’m willing to move at your pace… as long as it’s a pace and we stop going three steps backward for every one step forward. I’m not cutting us off unless you want that. I’m still here if you ever need an ear at 2:30 in the morning. I’m not changing my phone number or closing down lines of communication. I’m just giving you the wheel. You can put it in gear and drive, or you can leave me on the side of the road.
I hate it. I hate that I’m giving you the reins. I hate it because my gut does flips and I make myself sick worrying about where you’ll go with it, because once I do it, it can’t be undone. And it scares me that you might choose a path and I’ve meant nothing at all and I’m easily forgotten.
Don’t pick what’s easy and non-complicated.
Go with your gut and your heart.
Forget logical thought for 5 minutes and let the rest take over.
That’s where the answer is – it’s where I find you when I stop truly thinking.
I can’t help that.
I guess I’m sorry for that too.

If there’s nothing else you ever choose to know,
If nothing else matters…
Let it be this.

No girl on this earth
Could ever love you unconditionally
Like I do.

No girl on this earth
Could ever want to be with you
More than I do.

No other girl would stand by you
Thick, thin, or otherwise.
I’m not choosing to put up with you.
I’m choosing to want to put up with you.
Good days, bad days…
Broken parts, PTSD and all.
I don’t give a shit.

I’m not here
Because I only love the good days
Or I like the idea of being with you.

I’m here
Because you are the only one
Who makes me feel.

Pretty, gorgeous, sexy,
angry .
Name it.
With you, it’s all there.

Because you’re the only one
I’d be willing to clean up after.
You’re the only one
I’d let tickle me whenever you felt like it.
You’re the only one
Who likes John Wayne
As much as you like Wall-E
And the history channel
And My Fair Lady.
Just like me.
You’re the only one
I would wear lingerie for
And dance around naked by the stove.
The only one
I’d want to be with
Until we got old and grey and saggy.

And for the record…
I’m the only one
Who would deal with all your bullshit,
And never fall out of love with you.

Dry lips–
Winter lips.
These are lonely lips.

Lips not kissed
For a long while–
Lips who crave touch.
Lips who scream silently
for another's warmth.
Lips who have forgiven;
and yelled, whispered, forgotten.

These are lonely lips.
These are lips neglected–
Lips who smile, pucker;
open wide in a laugh.

These are dry, winter lips–
But they want more than to be moist.