As the subject says, I have very little to report. I'm in Cali at moms until next wednesday... yesterday I got a much needed manicure, today got a MUCH needed haircut and facial. Yay sexy hair and de-blackheaded face. I think i just made up a new word there.

In other news, efforts to get into a workout routine is proving more difficult than anticipated... first step would be to get into a general life routine, which is, again, proving more difficult than anticipated. With traveling and all the drama that has been going on (drama is another, very long, story), it's difficult to get myself to do anything productive with my life, even just having a routine. Gah. Oh well, so it goes, when I get back from cali, I'll have more time to work on it... I just have to consciously do it. It would also help if I start taking my meds again, but I have to get up early enough to take them... so begins the vicious circle.

Erm... other than that I can't think of much. When I get back I'm headed to Des Moines to visit Jewels and Shelley for a weekend, possible Storm Lake trip in there sometime. I'm going to try to keep to myself and be pretty invisible in town from now on, to try to get a schedule going. I mean, I'll still do the basic stuff... lunch occasionally, get the mail, grocery store, etc... but as for spending weekend evenings, i probably wont unless someone specifically asks me to come. *shrug* just easier and less disrupting to my schedule that way. Man, I feel old saying and doing that sort of thing. *sigh*

My wings are black as coal
And my heart as warm as ice
With heat like the sun
My skin does crawl
And my smile will mesmerize

I’m not quite fit for Heaven
But in Hell I don’t belong
So I guess I have to win affection
From Satan in a song.

My eyes shine like Topaz
And my hair fixes your gaze
My neck beckons you
With velvet skin
And my touch will mesmerize

I’m not quite fit for Heaven
But in Hell I don’t belong
So I guess I have to win affection
From Satan in a song.

They say Heaven is paradise
But if my utopia resembles Hell
Then where am I to go?
Naked I roam to find the home
Which will take my changing tides
I’m nowhere near an angel
But not quite downright evil
So where does this misfit hide?

Sometimes I regret the things I say.
Sometimes even the right thing
Doesn’t feel right a few weeks after.
Sometimes what I want and what I need
Don’t coincide.
Sometimes what is right for someone else,
What is fair for them,
Sucks on my end.

I didn’t want to let you go.
I didn’t want to let her have you.
Call me selfish, or mean.
But it wasn’t fair to keep you to myself,
So I let her steal you
Because you need someone who understands
You need someone who is there for you.
Not just some words on a screen
Or a face on a camera.

I hope whatever happens,
Something works out.
And I hope I don’t get lost in the shuffle
Like I tend to
When I give someone the right thing
For what they need.
Because it’s usually not me.

Disclaimer: This is not just about Gay Rights... its about RIGHTS. Period.

I must ask... Why is it, that someone who is not married to a member of the opposite sex, can not adopt children? Or, in the case of the Australian couple, become foster parents?

"Because it is not fair to the child to deny them of a normal family life, knowing both a mother and a father." or something along those lines.

EXCUSE ME???????

How many kids, biological at that, grow up in a single family household? Or a divorce with one parent remarried, or any other combination where the words "normal family" (I.E. a mom a dad, 2.5 kids, and a dog) don't apply? PLENTY. More than half, I can almost guarantee it.
Every child has a different family life. Every one of those families is "normal" for that family.

Why would an adoption agency, PEOPLE in that agency, PEOPLE who must be somewhat educated... deny a child -who is in the care of the state at the present time, not exactly the best life a child could have- a home that would nurture them, with people who would love them, just because that person is not married, or in a same sex relationship? It doesn't make any sense! Why would that agency, and the government, tell me that I can't adopt a child because I'm single?
So, I'm 41, I'm not married or have a boyfriend or anything, and I decide I want to adopt because one of the things I want in life is to have kids, and I'd like to take a child out of the state's care and give them a real home, if only because I'm just awesome like that. Well guess what answer I get? Sorry, you may have a better home, financial situation, extended family life, and more parenting skills than Jane and John Doe over here waiting in line behind you, but YOU can't adopt because you're not married, but they can, even though they may not be as nurturing as you. I guess only one child gets lucky today instead of two. See ya!

How ridiculous is that? I have friends who have been adopted, know people in my hometown whose family adopted them, and I know people who have adopted... None of them grew up perfectly happy with 1.5 siblings and a dog. It's not possible. There's always something; no family is the Brady Bunch. Everyone has their stuff. BUT the people I know grew up just fine, even in a family that wasn't exactly the states definition of "normal". In fact, my mom's boss adopted a little girl and she is happier than ever, even though the husband doesn't live there, and they don't really get along. Catherine is one of the most loved little girls, and she's growing up happy and well.

Who says a single person, or a loving homosexual couple, give a child the same things? How many single mothers are there in the US, who work hard to give their child everything, and those children turn out just fine (as long as their mother wasn't a prostitute, that theme seems to give in to serial killers, but that's an aside). How many children grow up in the care of the state, released when they're 18 into the world, and are not very well adjusted adults, or have been juvenile delinquents most of their lives? If those kids had gotten adopted, who says they couldn't have turned out differently?

I'm not saying there aren't exceptions, there always are, but in general, what can it hurt to give these children to a parent, or parents, who are not the "norm?" God and Goddess forbid there are loving people who would be good parents who aren't married. That just can't happen. Nope, Never.

well... i'm already home, but that's besides the point.
I'm at HOME finally after finals... got straight B's... and am looking forward to relaxing with my dog, cleaning the house, gardening, and LOTS of movies this summer. Horaay for living alone!
I'm also hoping to cook quite a bit, along with baking, so if anyone wants a good meal and awesome dessert, do come visit. :)
umm yea I guess that's it. I just wanted to update on that a bit for anyone reading.

any advice on what to plant in my garden? so far I have planned one tomato plant, a couple of jalapano plants, maybe some squash??? if it's not too late... and maybe some other hot peppers of some variety. other than that... i'm not sure.

Ps. I don't know what quixotic means... but i like the icon. lol

Okay, so I feel like I've been sounding like a rediculously hormonal 12 year old in my LJ lately... I'm going to attempt to stop this. Anyway, I havent updated on the good stuff yet!

I've been talking to this guy Patrick that I met on one of my random social networking sites. He's from Auburn, NY, and pretty much rocks my socks off. We both really like eachother, but are neither in a place for anything super serious, which is fine. He's really sweet, and he wants me to come visit him this summer. I'm aware of all the horror stories of the meeting someone online variety, but at least I know he's not a creepy 55 year old man pretending to be someone much younger and more attractive. Ha. I know this because we've both got webcams and we turn them on every chance we get. This is doing nothing to help with my studying, but then, there you go. As Savannah's dad says, "excrement occurs."
Anywho, I'm not sure how I'm going to make this work, but if I do go see him this summer, it should be lots of fun. Auburn looks like a really cool town. It's historic with lots of stuff to do, including museums! :-0 woot!
Um, so yea, I should be studying for my crim test tomorrow night, but I really have no ambition at all to do anything but lay on my bed and relax. I'm so sleepy. The waxing and subsequent full moon was messing with my sleep patterns the last week. Arg.

On a completely unrelated note, an amazingly addicting video! :D

http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Narwhals/

Savannah and I have it memorized and can sing it word for word quite quickly. Cuz we're awesome like that.

So apparently my efforts have not paid off. for all who know any of the story... *he* is being a duchemonkey. again. who knows when we'll talk again. he's pissed at the world with no intention of giving a shit. i dont know how to deal other than ignore it until it goes back to normal. I just wish he had stayed like he had been... happy to be alive for once... loving life... being proud of himself... WANTING to talk to me about his problems because he felt better when i listened.
Yes, this is an emo post, and i really don't care at the moment. What else is there to be except emo?
I've been hanging out with my ex boyfriend/really good friend Jonathon last night and today. it's been fun... but i'm kinda wanting to get back now that i have nothing to look forward to here at home. though I have a lot to do this weekend, so being here might be a good thing. Jonathon and I are going to norfolk tomorrow to head to skinny's to get some supplies... gotta transfer money so I can actually buy something. broke til next friday but oh well.... i'll just pay myself back.
oh well. i guess in the mean time i can have some fun and say fuck it... no point in making him special when he won't give a damn for a month, or two, or a year... however long it takes him to quit being pissed at the world this time.

It is sometimes said that dreams are our bodies and minds desires. Or maybe it's not. Maybe I just said that. I don't know. Anyhow, it is also said that dreams are random neural firing. Just things that have happened to you during the day that are being reserficed. What if something hasnt happened to you during the day? Where do sex dreams come from? Sure, maybe you had the thought "I'm really horny today." But then where does the sex dream with a certain person come from?

And what about dreams that cause you deja vu at a later date. I've had a ton of these, and while some may say, "you have psycic ability, you should excersize it," that doesn't answer the question, where do they come from?

I'm really not looking for answers to these questions. I just started thinking about it because i had a random sex dream last night. A random sex dream that had nothing to do with my thoughts from the day, nor the people in it were in my head at all that day. This leads me to believe that, at least last night, my dreams were desires I had that I hadn't addressed lately.

I don't know if this had a point, or if I made a point without realizing it... but there you go.

I've left this idle for much too long. I'm going to bookmark it on my shortcuts with facebook and myspace, so i stop forgetting.

not much going on in my life... spring break, yay! I'm hanging out in the lovely Moscow, Idaho, hanging out with Jewels and her boy Dillon, and the doggie, Wicket/Widget/Wiget, whatever his real name is.

Enjoying movies i havent seen, sitting on my butt, and relaxing... oh the life of spring break. Fun times playing games and watching movies.

Other than that, i'm just slightly missing things from school like my awesome roomie, drinking at my convenience, and my little routine. Though i've got a bit of a routine here going now, but its always nice to get home eventually.

Nels is doing okay. His grandma died the other day, so he's having a hard time with that, but otherwise its the same ol with him. He wants to go to yankton or somewhere and do something next time I go over there, which sounds fun. I'm excited. I'm hoping he'll be home this weekend and i can go over there when i get back... He's going to the funeral, so I think he will be home, but I can't say for sure.

Anywho, not to much else going on... i'll try to update more often... adios amigos!

I've just updated a bunch of stuff i've written that i've failed to post here. sooo enjoy!

I tried to be right.
Apparently I’m still wrong,
Aren’t I?
You’ll do anything to prove me wrong.
Even if it means killing me slowly
From the inside out.
Because you don’t realize,
You’re doing to me
What they did to you.
I realize it,
And I try not to let it get me,
But I’m becoming what you are.
A little each time you burn me.
But it’s not a burning.
It’s just
One
Bite
At
A
Time.

I’m sorry that I’m not perfect. I know you deserve someone who is – and don’t argue with me. You deserve someone gorgeous and talented, someone who wouldn’t look like a troll next to you.
I’m sorry I’ve pushed you and annoyed you enough to push me away instead of pulling me close.
I’m sorry I can never say what I’m feeling and that I suck at fighting. But you don’t fight fair either. You twist yourself so negatively that there aren’t words to deny you – even though none of what you say is true enough to make any difference – at least to me. I’m sorry I can’t be there. If I could make you my priority, I would, but I need to do the college thing. I’m not skilled like you. I can’t find something that would pay me enough to live the way you do without a degree.
I’m sorry I suck at being sexy. You’re the only one I feel that way with. You’re the only one who could compel me to buy lingerie – and you’d be the only one to see me wear it.
I’m sorry I’ve hurt you. I don’t know exactly what I’ve done, but I know I’ve hurt you, and that kills me.
I’m not going to stick around and be selfish. I’m not going to demand that we move forward. I want you to be happy. If you’re miserable with me, what is the point of forcing my presence? I don’t want to wear you down until you finally give in. I’m not coral. I wouldn’t do that to you. If you being happy means that I’m not involved, so be it. If it means you with someone else – someone who truly makes you happy and deserves you – then it is what it is. I’m not going to make you miserable for my sake.
But don’t for a second think I wouldn’t do anything for you.
Don’t for a second think I want to walk away.
I’m fighting to shush every scream that comes from my gut and my heart not to let you go. I’m pushing down and hitting away every instinct I have to keep you near me – tooth and nail.
It’s the worst at night… in the silent humming of darkness where my thoughts float across my eyes and keep sleep at bay. Where those thoughts always revolve around the words stupid, love, sex, pain…and Nels.
So don’t think for a second my whole being wants this… it screams and fights against it. I’ve caved in a few times, and I’m sorry for that too. I’m sorry I can’t stick to my resolve with you. I’m sorry because I know you’re sitting there, wondering why I’m apologizing.
I’m sorry you think so highly of me and I’ve never had the guts to show you otherwise.
I’m sorry I’ve never let you see me cry… but then again, I’m not. You’d beat yourself up if I did, and it’s usually less to do with something specific you did, and more to do with how I react to it and my own demons. I’m sorry you don’t know many of them – actually, I’m sorry I never told you about any of them.
I’m sorry I’m doing this. But I can’t be where we’ve been for three years anymore.
I’m not necessarily moving on… I just can’t grow roots in this situation and not be able to move if I someday need or want to.
I’m sorry if you think this is the end. I’m not leaving… I’m just leaving it up to you if you want to move or not. I’m willing to move at your pace… as long as it’s a pace and we stop going three steps backward for every one step forward. I’m not cutting us off unless you want that. I’m still here if you ever need an ear at 2:30 in the morning. I’m not changing my phone number or closing down lines of communication. I’m just giving you the wheel. You can put it in gear and drive, or you can leave me on the side of the road.
I hate it. I hate that I’m giving you the reins. I hate it because my gut does flips and I make myself sick worrying about where you’ll go with it, because once I do it, it can’t be undone. And it scares me that you might choose a path and I’ve meant nothing at all and I’m easily forgotten.
Don’t pick what’s easy and non-complicated.
Go with your gut and your heart.
Forget logical thought for 5 minutes and let the rest take over.
That’s where the answer is – it’s where I find you when I stop truly thinking.
I can’t help that.
I guess I’m sorry for that too.

If there’s nothing else you ever choose to know,
If nothing else matters…
Let it be this.

No girl on this earth
Could ever love you unconditionally
Like I do.

No girl on this earth
Could ever want to be with you
More than I do.

No other girl would stand by you
Thick, thin, or otherwise.
I’m not choosing to put up with you.
I’m choosing to want to put up with you.
Good days, bad days…
Broken parts, PTSD and all.
I don’t give a shit.

I’m not here
Because I only love the good days
Or I like the idea of being with you.

I’m here
Because you are the only one
Who makes me feel.

Pretty, gorgeous, sexy,
angry .
Name it.
With you, it’s all there.

Because you’re the only one
I’d be willing to clean up after.
You’re the only one
I’d let tickle me whenever you felt like it.
You’re the only one
Who likes John Wayne
As much as you like Wall-E
And the history channel
And My Fair Lady.
Just like me.
You’re the only one
I would wear lingerie for
And dance around naked by the stove.
The only one
I’d want to be with
Until we got old and grey and saggy.

And for the record…
I’m the only one
Who would deal with all your bullshit,
And never fall out of love with you.

Dry lips–
Winter lips.
These are lonely lips.

Lips not kissed
For a long while–
Lips who crave touch.
Lips who scream silently
for another's warmth.
Lips who have forgiven;
and yelled, whispered, forgotten.

These are lonely lips.
These are lips neglected–
Lips who smile, pucker;
open wide in a laugh.

These are dry, winter lips–
But they want more than to be moist.

So many things unsaid
Comments without a home
Waiting, wandering
Charging forth
But being cut short
The timing isn't right
The mood would surely be ruined
The tears would surely fall

So many things unsaid
No place to say them
Leaves them wishing
Wanting more
More time
More opportunity
More trust
More of you
Just like me.

Where did it all go? I remember having so much fun, never being without something to do or someone to call... having fun doing nothing with the best people... what happened to that? What happened to going to the bar, sitting and drinking a pop, talking about nothing with Nate and Nels, playing pool with Kassy and dancing to Average Joe? What happened to standing around at the street dance joking around and mingling? It seems like even when there is something to do, I'm not quite fitting in... I'm not having fun like I used to. It's not that the same people aren't there... I still see and hang out with Kassy, and Nels, and Lianne from time to time... but it's different somehow. Is it me? or is it life? Is there really something that happened, some page turned that I wasn't aware of? Or is it just a matter of growing up... and if it is growing up, why isn't there some other kind of fun to take its place? I just want to know where that all went. I used to go home and have more to do than I do here in storm lake... now I go home and feel like there's nothing and no one to spend time with. I stay in storm lake, and there's no one that is doing anything truely fun here either. I can't go hang out and find people that I know and make plans, I can't go play pool or sit and have a pop in a public place without feeling completely alone. I can't walk down the hallways here at BV and feel at home, but I can't be at home and feel at home either. I don't get invited to people's parties or game nights, I can't find people to watch movies with... I know I have friends, I know I'm sometimes included or I make plans... but it's not... fun. Not like it has been, not a fun, carefree, ease. Even when I walk down the hallway or around campus, I feel like when I stop and say hi or pop into someones room, it feels forced instead of friendly and enjoyable.

So what happened? What happened to not having a care in the world and maybe not always being on task or on top of things, but always knowing that I could always go hang out with so-and-so and have fun... forget everything except for the moment. Living in the moment and enjoying my friends... what happened to it? What happened to me... my friends... my life?

Another free write... thoughts. i honestly didn't know what i wrote until i finished.

--------------------------

What if I said I loved you? Would you take me seriously? I could want nothing more, than to spend eternity with you. I know that sounds naïve; ridiculous even. But it’s utterly and completely true. No other girl’s heart could be at purely and irrevocably in love with you. No other girl could promise you her heart, forever, never hurting you, never letting anyone else hurt you, and be completely serious. I’m not afraid of you. I’m afraid for you. Afraid who you are deep inside has been so lost in darkness, despair and heartbreak that even I can’t resurface it. No one should be hurt like you have been; no one should have as much darkness as is in your past. That darkness… it will consume you if you let it. I can see that you’re going down that path. I can see how much of your past you hide from me. Don’t think I can’t see it in your eyes… the pain. You hide it well. You pretend with as much practice as a musician playing their favorite piece; as much skill as a sniper. But I see through you. I see through the jerk you try to be. I don’t push it. I pretend as well. I pretend that your being that way is a joke, that you don’t really mean it. Deep down, I don’t think you do. I have to believe you aren’t that person yet. Because I see the sweetness, the goofiness, the spontaneity of who you really are, if only somewhere hidden. Hidden behind the booze and the loneliness you keep for company. Lost in the hurt and pain in your heart for so long, nothing, no one, can dig it up. I see that. I see the sips you take. Knowing its not the answer, but it’s the only answer you’ve known for so long, turning from it would be devastation. I see it all. The fakeness behind your laughs in public. Your moments of quiet. That lost look in your eye, desperately planning your next façade, the smile, and excuse when someone, like me, notices your quiet stare has lasted too long. I see all of that. And I feel it. I feel when there’s something more that you cover with a witty comment, a false, dirty joke. I don’t push it. Because I also feel you’re not ready. I can’t make you ready. Even if I could… I probably wouldn’t, for risk of you running from me. I hear in your voice on the phone when something is wrong, or I’ve disappointed your expectations somehow. I don’t know how to fix it, and next thing I know, you’re pretending what I heard and felt wasn’t what really happened… that it all wasn’t serious, or worth it, anyhow. But it is. You’re just so good at pretending, and have so many people fooled, that you’re starting to fool yourself. Until you’re so deep into the dark that no matter what I say or promise, you won’t believe that you are worth it. That you’re truly a good person. That dark is where you will lose yourself. I can’t let that happen; I won’t let that happen. I see you. I feel you. But I don’t know how to convince you. I can’t save you from the hurt you’ve felt in your past. But I can promise you no more will come if you just trust me. You can’t even do that: trust me. Because so much bad has come from the trust you’ve lent out before. The trust that has turned against you. The trust that has broken your heart so many times. It’s not that you won’t trust me. Even you can admit there is no real reason not to trust me, even if you search for a silly reason, you and I both know it’s not a reason worth being suspicious about. No. It’s not that you won’t. It’s that you can’t. Not yet. I’m hoping beyond hope, that you can soon. That you miss me so much in my absence, you have no other choice. No other choice but to give in to your heart. Give in like you did a year ago. Fall into me and tell me you love me. Rip down your own walls in a frantic attempt to reclaim some… any… feeling at all left inside of your heart. But then I’m afraid that you’ll build them back up higher, because you faltered; that’s not in your plan. It’s not in your façade. And you fear the hurt again… And for the record, yes. I’m afraid. The calm, cool, sarcastic one. The one that makes jokes about serious stuff so she doesn’t have to face it. The one who doesn’t let on either. But I’m afraid you can read me as easily as I can read you. That my eyes give everything away. So, what if I told you I loved you? Because I do. So much. I just don’t want you to turn away from me. I don’t want you to pass me off as just like the others. Young, naïve, conniving: waiting to hurt you. I’m not the girls who have hurt you. I just lie awake at night, wishing that you’ll see. Not only that I’m different. But to see what I see in you. All this? Yes. This and more. This and much, much more.

freewrite of thoughts.

--------------------------

I wanna know whats up with us.

I know you’re not at a point where you want a relationship… and I understand that. I know it probably doesn’t seem like I do… because… I mean… I never say the right things, and I always try to fucking hard… but it’s because I want to give you everything. I want to be the girl who defies everything you’ve ever experienced. I want to be the girl you have fun with and show off to your friends. I want to be the girl who you can take fishing. The girl who doesn’t let what anyone else thinks stop her from loving you. I want to be the girl who makes you smile because you’ve finally found someone who would never dream of hurting you like you’ve been hurt before. Because you’ve had shitty luck with women. And you deserve so much better then them. Not that I think you can’t do better than me… but you can’t find out what you’re worth without taking a chance on somebody else.

Other girls think that you having a sensitive side makes you gay? In my world it makes you more of a man then anyone trying to be macho could ever be. I mean… what do these girls think? The macho guy is gonna do the romantic things they dream of? No. It’s the guys like you who keep the hopeless romantic women alive inside. Guys like you who good women dream of ending up with. That means I’d better snatch you up before someone else does. Because if I slack off… there are girls that are in line for guys like you.

You know… maybe nice guys do finish last. But I think it’s only to find who really cares enough to wait for them at the finish line.